S is for "Sleep Experiment"

When I was pregnant, everyone said to me, "enjoy your sleep/time/freedom while you have it...soon life will be very different!" Although I knew that there was surely some kernel of truth in their words, I chose to brush them off with a sort of nonchalant "yeah, that's what I hear...". Unfortunately, it's difficult to enjoy your sleep, time, or freedom when you're 11 months pregnant. You can rarely get comfortable (whether sleeping or awake), and the only time you feel remotely free is when you're in a swimming pool or floating in a lake - mostly beacause you don't have to exert any energy to move your enormous girth about. Turns out I should have tried harder to follow everyone's advice. I had no idea exactly how different life would be. The euphoria that came with the birth of our son quickly wore off as the reality of life with baby set in...

Sleep? Non-existent. Every two to three hours I am woken by a small being rooting around for a nipple. He wants milk, and he wants it now. If he doesn't get it, let the games begin! His cry (which we were led to believe didn't exist while in the relatively peaceful calm of the maternity ward) pierces the night, sending the cats scurrying to the basement to escape the horror. I read somewhere that REM sleep is the sleep that allows adults to sort out their thoughts, put their brain back into working order, and get the deep restful sleep that we all need so much. This is all fine and well, except for the fact that REM sleep is the last part of your sleep cycle. It only occurs after a number of hours of uninterrupted slumber. Coincidentally, a great number of hours more than is usually absorbed by the likes of a new mother. New mothers only ever sleep an hour or two at a time...therefore, they can usually say goodbye to REM sleep for at least the first year of their child's life. Which means that they never feel rested. They are always beat. Half deranged with lack of sleep. Overly emotional about everything.

Lesson to new fathers: new mothers are under the influence of a similar sleep experiment to one used on chinese war prisoners long ago. They are woken up every hour or two to feed and change a growing, squirming, pooping, crying being on demand. This type of frequent wakefulness is akin to torture. In fact, it is a type of torture. One that is still being used in military prisoner camps around the world.

DO NOT TEST/TEASE/PLAY JOKES (no matter how harmless they may seem) ON THE NEW MOTHER. IT MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY/DEATH TO DADDY.

Time? A word that has lost it's place in my vocabulary. Unless, that is, if it's said in the following contexts: "time to feed the baby" or "time to change your bum!" My husband occasionally asks me what day it is...you're asking the wrong person, buddy! I rarely have any idea what day of the month it is, or even if we're still in the month I think it is! The response I usually get is "Must be nice to not know what day it is." That's what you think!

And freedom?

Let's not even go there. Welcome to motherhood. Enjoy.